Sitting in an airport bar last week, I was surrounded by a group of colleagues all of varying relationship status. One, a pastor, and happily married. Another, a woman divorced now living with her boyfriend, and the other woman single and dating, or rather, trying to date. When it came through that our flights were delayed another hour, we somehow left the confines of chit chat and started getting into a relationship discussion – open, honest and for me at least, really fun. I can sit and talk relationship – mine, yours, anyone’s – for a whole afternoon. “Don’t get me started.” Or do if that’s what you want. This group did.

We rolled around topics like what is the most important thing that we did when we began to date? What was happening for us when we found the person we wanted to be with? The list kept going. One of the interesting themes that showed itself was the idea of space, giving it to yourself and making room for it in order to bring the right relationship forward.

One of my colleagues has a friend who after dating and breaking up with a guy, went back to him even though she knew he wasn’t right. Why? Her answer, “I don’t want to be dating. I really don’t like it. Isn’t it better to have this person with me than to be alone? I mean, the ‘right’ person will come along, right?”

Wrong.

Two of us agreed that for her friend, nothing was going to come along except the feeling of inadequacy and settling. “Do you want to settle?” My colleague asked of her friend.

“Well, yes, maybe. If it means not being alone and not having to date, sure.”

Really? Hold your horses here. One pattern I’ve seen over and over again is that people who find a great partner and build a good relationship afterword, is that they are OK being alone. There are two reasons for this:

1.    They love themselves. Being alone means being with one of their favorite people. (See X for loving yourself.)

2.    They know that in order to attract a new love, there must be space for her/him to fit.

For the friend, by staying with the man that she knows she’s settling for, she’s blocking space for another, great guy to come into her life. It’s as simple as that.

Another way of putting this that many before me have said is, “date yourself,” before you date someone else. Enjoy your own company because if you don’t, who will?

And the space issue. The friend spends her time with this “settling man” so that she’s not alone. This means spending nights in with him. Doing the things that they do. Which means there is no room for another man to come in. Where would she meet him? She wouldn’t because she is with the “settling man.” How would she recognize a new great guy? She wouldn’t because she’s with the “settling man.”

The “settling man” is tricky for ladies … (Read the rest of this article at Dating With A Purpose)

[Photo from rachel sian via Flickr]