The list is long of the things we have all done to find, get and keep love in our life. Abandoning our authentic selves to become some variety of whomever you want me to be ranks among the top few. At some point we learned this was a good idea — probably the same place we all learned a version of this, from our parents, who learned from theirs, and so on. We are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned — or, at minimum, looks a certain way, i.e., if I do this or that, then you will love me. Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.

I, too, strongly recommend that you know what your relationship pattern or map looks like. Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. No matter what you do, it seems, “Oops there I go again, I attracted another (fill in the blank).” Whatever your love map looks like (my latest book, Hindsight, offers you a great exercise on how to identify your love patterns) there is hope. And something we can do about it.

Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again. For me, this was part of a larger portal through which I passed, and I left what wasn’t working (and who) behind for a more authentic life filled with great freedom of being. This portal, I call becoming internally referenced — making the distinction between who you are and who you are not — and it’s absolutely fundamental to having a great relationship. It also happens to be one of the tools I teach in my CORR® certification program.

Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things. what love is NOT:

• Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is…well…chemistry.
• Desire is not love. Hmmm, yeah, it’s more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can’t have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it! Desire junkies salute!
• Longing, nope, not love! Too many Cinderella or Pretty Woman episodes.
• Feeling lovesick, uh uh, NOT. Smacks of love map laced with abandonment issues.
• Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object.
• Lust, hmmm, a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.)
• Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem!
• Neglect, no, not love either. There’s always time for some loving exchange!
• Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely.

For me, making these distinctions saved me a lot of heartache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who everyone else wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward.

And if you want to get really deep, my husband often reminds me that the English language has but one word for love (with nine definitions). We have come up with our own definition (vigilant seekers of truth that we would like to think we are). We consider Love a gift, a conscious choice we make to behave with respect, patience, understanding and compassion with ourselves and towards another human being. It’s a way to behave from, and includes the concept that love bestowed need not be earned nor returned but rather wants only that which the other wants for him or her own self!

Once you have a taste of the real thing, it’s hard to go back!

[Photo from kirikiri via Flickr]