salon.1There I was, sitting in the salon chair for my haircut. My guy, Fred, and I started our normal talk, only this time Fred seemed to be a little blue. I could sense a little heaviness. He said with a sigh, “I think I just need to rethink my whole life.”

I thought, gah, that’s a lot, wondering if there was some way to drill down to something more specific. He continued, “I just really want to be in a partnership. I mean, I keep trying and it just doesn’t work out.”

Aside from Fred’s challenge, I thought to myself, wow, I’m really getting signs all over that people seriously need help as they look to create the partnerships they want, even Fred who is a very attractive, fun, gay man in San Francisco. I mean, out of all places on Earth, a gay man should be able to find a partnership, if that is what he wants, right? And then it struck me: is that what he really wants? And is that what he’s practicing?

I asked, “Do you want my opinion on this?”
“Yes, I want it. I need some help,” he said.

I’ve been sitting in Fred’s chair for the last four years. And I have heard about all of the boyfriends. One, who he repeatedly broke up with, caused Fred to change his cell number each break-up to keep the guy’s calls at bay. Another guy, the sweet, Midwestern do-gooder, adopted a dog with him. The boyfriends had run the gamut.

I said, “Fred, you’ve got to be at the center of your own dating universe.”
“What do you mean?”

salon.2“I mean I’ve seen you meet a man and immediately focus all your attention on that man. There is no room for you. And, you don’t date anyone else. I see you just concentrating all of your energy – like a laser – on this guy and you haven’t even spent time with him. You’ve got to really date.”

Then, I told him my dating story. How when I decided I truly wanted partnership, I dated. I can recall within a two-week span, I probably had 7 to 8 dates. I was grounded in being the center of my own dating universe. I continued to explain that I, too, like him, would find a guy and then fixate on him. What was he thinking? What was he doing? When were we getting together next? Blah, blah, blah… However, this time, I was changing my pattern. If my pattern had been to focus on one man and get a little obsessive (face it, we all can get a little obsessive) then, I had to break that pattern. I put the focus back on me. I was at the center of my own dating universe.

I supported a girlfriend in this, too. We decided when she was dating with a purpose that she really had to date two if not three men at a time. There is something about having those men call and schedule dates that does not leave room for the obsessive nature to come out. The focus was on her instead of the men she was dating. I giggled along with her as one guy was texting as another was calling.  It works for the guys as well. They like the chase. That is common knowledge. And what they also like is the confidence exuded by a woman who is firmly planted in herself. Her needs. Her time. Be the center of your own dating universe.
Dating is a lost art in the world we’re living in especially for women. My world, and everyone else’s, moves so fast, I used to think, “Hurry this dating thing along. Just find a guy and stick with him for awhile.” Why? When I’ve looked for jobs in the past, I didn’t just send my resume to one place, keep calling that place and hope for the best. I put myself first posting resumes online, taking meetings to network and asking myself what I truly wanted. Why is dating different for women? This time it wasn’t for me. I practiced the principle of putting myself at the center of my own dating universe.

I dated at least two men at a time. Usually there were three. It just mattered that I kept me at the center focusing on my needs, and not focusing outwardly on them. And by dating three men, and working and doing all the other stuff I love, there was no time, no inclination to get obsessive. That energy was gone. And, I changed my pattern from one-hit wonder dating to dating with a purpose. I also enjoyed myself more on the dates.

By putting myself at the center of my own dating universe, the sky’s the limit!

[Photos from Robert R Gigliotti, HQPrints.net and leezie5 via Flickr]