Many women include ‘Dieting’ on their list of New Year’s Resolutions.

Not members of the Faux Diet Club. Ha! They don’t worry about such trivial pursuits. They can zap calories with a single zinger. No exercise, no laborous analysis of ingredients. It’s all about mind over matter.

Here is a sampling of some of their justifications…er…diet tips (Do not try these at home; only professionals should attempt; items look smaller in the rear view mirror than they are in real life).

1. If you eat 49% of an item or less, it has no calories.

2. If you go to McDonald’s and your child is asleep in their car seat and you eat their Happy Meal French fries before you get home and they wake up, there’s no calories.

3. Eating off someone else’s plate prevent calories (keep in mind that the other person gets your calories)

4. Always eat equal portions of white chocolate and dark chocolate.  The calories in each will cancel the other out.

5. Samples have no calories whether at the soup counter deciding on lunch options or at the coffee store waiting for a latte and snacking on their brownie bits.

6. If the food item falls on the floor and exceeds the 3 second rule, all calories are gone.

7. Pretty sure that if you lean back and squirt the whipped cream can straight into your mouth, nothing counts.

8. When at a chinese restaurant and accidentally biting into a red chili pepper (or whatever those demons are called) and not being able to speak because your throat is burning, pretty much anything jammed into your mouth within 7 – 10 minutes to cool it down – white rice, Kung Pau chicken, egg rolls, potstickers, wine, vodka, any of the dishes from the table next to you, have no calories whatsoever.

9. Impaling food with toothpicks removes the calories.

10. If you eat pizza after 1am after a crazy night and the next morning you 1) realize you didn’t pay for it, and 2) can’t recall the name of the place from which it came, the calories don’t count…

If you wish to join the Faux Diet Club and share your own dilusional recipes for rapid weight loss, you’re invited: FAUX DIET CLUB

Vivanista would like to dearly thank the current members of the Faux Diet Club for their sacrifice and openness in sharing their diet secrets with everyone with no concern for their own safety.  Accumulatively, they have lost a total of two and a half lb.s (not verified) since starting the list which will surely turn into a NYTimes bestseller; unfortunately it will be categorized as Fiction.