Friday night, I went to another Gala-type social event. I steer clear of these things unless it’s a cause I feel ardently about or it will be a chance to see a large group of friends I don’t normally see. When the invite came from a friend to the Wildcare celebration, I said yes for neither reason. I didn’t know Wildcare’s mission and there would not be people at the event I knew. But, there would be one person there I really wanted to see. Their master of ceremony. Arianna Huffington of The Huffington Post fame. No matter what part of the political spectrum you fall on, you have to admit, she is a lady that matters.

When she got up to speak, I was surprised at how tall she was. My table was right beside hers (eek!). When she took the podium, I thought, “She’ll just launch into a sad story about one of the Wildcare animals.” Run-of-the-mill. But she’s not a run-of-the-mill kind of lady. She reached deeper to pull out a theme that surfaced for her as she learned more about the organization. Her theme: Empathy.

After talking about Wildcare, she concluded saying, “You know, we could all use a little more empathy in this world.”

“Amen sister,” I said under my breath as I nodded.

When I left the event, I thought, “What a great dating topic.” A nice reminder from a wise woman that what is lacking all around us is Empathy. But what is all around us if not that? What is the exact opposite? What is the constant? It’s Judgment.

When I sit across from a man or woman as I coach them, a thing I take note of over and over again is how sitting face to face harshly they judge themselves. They’ll give me a snap-shot of where they are in their “dating cycle”…

a divorce after many, many years Or

single never married on the other side of 40 Or

holding on to an old love that was really never all that good Or

seeing someone they’re not sure of..

Wherever they are I listen and think, “I’m doing the very thing that they can not do for themselves, Empathize.”

two hands cupped I can hold their stories empathetically without judgment. I wonder, if they could do more of that for themselves, how much easier would it be for them to take the next supportive step they need in their dating life?

You see, it seems to me that Judgment takes a lot more energy than Empathy. Doesn’t it?

For example, if I’m sitting judging myself, I’m conjuring up situations, he said/she saids or actions I did or did not take. I’m placing Judgment on my past, which makes my present and future even harder to open up to. It’s a hard energy. It is one that says, “If I’m right, you’re wrong.” That’s energy that just isn’t productive when we’re dating. It holds the dater back.

What if your theme of the week was Empathy and instead of starting by feeling Empathetic for someone else, you started by feeling some Empathy towards yourself?

When I do this, I realize it is OK to be right where I am. Just the other morning, I was complaining to The Coach about where I am with my own work cycle and some blows I’d been dealt around Dating With A Purpose. I was thinking about meetings I had coming up with some very important contacts. And I was so worried about what I was going to say and how I was going to position my project. And then I saw it, my own worse Judgment. I was judging myself for not having the answers.

What I really was, was Confused. And you know what, that was OK. I saw clearly my Confusion and allowed myself a space to be Confused, to not have all the answers. Sometimes we don’t have the answers because we’re not supposed to.

Seeing my situation Empathetically allowed a space for my Confusion to rest. When my brain finally rested and I allowed myself the space for Confusion, the answer I needed miraculously popped in my head. If I’d kept in Judgment, that tightness would never have allowed a space for the answer to pop in.

Where can you be more Empathetic with yourself this week?

For more wisdom on romance and the like, visit the Dating With A Purpose blog.

Related posts:

1. Matchmaking in Your Prime: Online Dating 101
2. The Center of Your Dating Universe
3. Dating With A Purpose: Expansion, Part I
4. Dating with a Purpose: Expansion, Part II
5. Dating and the Volunteer: Meeting Your Match