(Continued from Expansion, Part I by Viva Dating Diva Travis Brady)

As I was saying, I just finished reading one of Paulo Coelho’s books. He’s really one of my favorite authors writing about spirituality, the connection to the universe and things like love, obsession, truth and the frailty of being human.

The one I finished is, “The Fifth Mountain,” a tale of the time before Elijah took on his fated god-duty. Now, I’m not religious, but I love reading about religious ideas and stories especially by Paulo because in them he reveals small insights into human nature that are really very big lessons.

One of the lessons I took away was from this passage he wrote:

Elijah says, “… Sadness does not last forever when we walk in the direction of that which we always desired.”

The little boy he is raising says, “Is it always necessary to leave?”

Elijah answers, “It’s always necessary to know when a stage of one’s life has ended. If you stubbornly cling to it after the need has passed, you lose the joy and meaning of the rest.”

What I saw was how coming into the final weeks before marrying, I’m clinging to some old ways. Old ways of acting defensive and closing my heart instead of expanding.

It’s scary standing on the brink of the next life stage.

All things will change and be different. Some will be for the better and some will be harder. That’s really what happens in any transition. My hope is that the better will be so much better as to far out weigh the difficulties.

And, I see when I chose to date differently, more consciously; I was telling myself that I was ready for this different life stage that’s rapidly approaching. Dating differently with a purpose to be more conscious sends waves of energy into the ether to say, “I’m ready for the next big thing.”

There is sadness in being alone and deep in the life stage of “singledom” sometimes. But as Paulo says the sadness will not last forever. This is a truth. One to believe and know. If we walk in the direction of what we desire our new life stage is bound to show up. The key is having a heart that can expand enough to let the new stage in and allow the old life stage to gracefully slip away.

For more dish on dating, go to datingwithapurpose.com.

This week, we proudly announce the launch of our new weekly column “Dating With A Purpose” by Vivanista’s very own Viva Dating Diva, Travis Brady. We hope you enjoy her first installment.

Last week on the road in Boston, I met up with my almost-new-sister-in-law. She’s great. I really lucked out in marrying the Coach’s family. They’re sweet, nice, real and down to earth. As we were closing up our dinner talking about topics from having babies to what we’re wearing at the wedding, she looked at me and said, “You realize this is the last time we’ll probably ever be on our own together?”

“Really?” I questioned.

I guess so because in our future family life together there are husbands, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, moms, dads and more children. And as we envisioned maybe sitting alone on the beach of my future beach house sipping wine at sunset, it came to me… expansion.

My whole life is expanding in a way I haven’t really acknowledged. I’m an only child. No sisters. No brothers. I grew up with cousins, but as they remind me from time to time, it’s not the same as the bond of a sibling. My family, our family is getting much bigger.

I realized I needed to check-in with my heart to see if it was ready.

Is it ready for the expansion that is needed to take in and open up to more people? My lady calls this “softening.” Softening your heart and being so that others can approach and come in.

Sometimes this is hard for me because I’ve spent most of my life being on my own going it alone. And there have been times when I’ve opened up and someone stung my heart. They pricked it with a needle trying to deflate it, to harm it. Before that could happen, I closed it off to them; to my parents, to other family members and to guys I’ve dated.

As I thought about this, one thing came to mind; it’s the very thing about Dating With A Purpose that makes it unique. The fact is that you have to be brave and bold enough to expand your heart to let others come in not knowing what you’re going to get. It’s almost like being an otherworldly adventurer going into uncharted territory on a seemingly solo mission. Only the pay off at the end is never having to go solo again if you don’t want to.

I just finished reading one of Paulo Coelho’s books…

Next week, Travis, the Viva Dating Diva, reveals a simple dating truth found in Paulo’s pages.

“You had some expectations didn’t you?” the Coach said to me in the bathroom of our hotel. I was looking at him, I was feeling salty, and a bad mood had overtaken my day, but as I listened to him, I shrugged and said, “You’re right.”

The Coach and I are on vacation this week annualizing a trip we took last year where the Coach gets to play his game with his clan. Last year was fun, really fun, but somehow on our first day here, I didn’t see the same enjoyment, camaraderie and purpose of last year. I came into this trip with unconscious expectations, the worst kind.

I wasn’t going to write this week. Then over breakfast a dear friend on the phone said, “Write about your vacation.”

Over our coffee, the Coach said, “Why don’t you write about expectations and how they connect to dating?” I sincerely love this man. He’s right on.

Having unconscious expectations about our trip caused me to be disappointed. (I’m over it now as I sit next to the icy flow of the Colorado River looking at a clear blue sky). I slipped back into my judgment mode of looking at the outside in my mind’s conversation – “This person didn’t make the trip, I’m the only one without kids, etc., etc.” – to find disappointment when the real disappointment was created by my own expectations.

Have you ever done this while dating? I use to go into a date having expectations based on what someone told me about the man. When I Dated With A Purpose, I became very conscious that my expectations could ruin a date and a chance to get to know someone. When going into a meeting, a situation or a date, softness and openness is needed. When I go into a situation as I did on this vacation, closed, unconsciously expecting an outcome, I’m always disappointed.

It’s probably not possible to go on every date with openness and a child-like wonder due to the day we had or how our body feels (cramps anyone?). I think it is possible to become more aware of the unconscious expectations that we take on our dates.

If you have the time before your next date, take a moment to write down as fast as you can all the things you expect out of the date, from the guy, etc. Is the list long? Is it short? What are you expecting?

I wish I had done this before our vacation. I got over the self-created disappointment in a day, but why waste a day of vacation? And why put your expectations on a man you just met?

[Photo from luvpublishing via Flickr]

On Saturday, the Coach and I enjoyed a long lunch down at Sam’s in Tiburon with friends. We met two young ladies sitting next to us. They had Table Topics with them. Do you know these cards? I love them. When the Coach took me on our first weekend away to Costanoa, I was so worried that we’d run out of things to talk about that I bought Dating Table Topics at the General Store. The ‘topics’ spark conversation and can give insight into another’s values, principles and tastes.

Anyway, as we answered topics, three young men sat down near us. After we ran out of the Table Topic cards, the young women piped up with a new game. It was silly, off-color and fun. Soon, the young men were playing with us. And then, we were all sitting together albeit the young men on the right, and the young ladies on the left. When it came time for the guys to leave, I leaned over asking, “Are you going to ask for the young ladies’ numbers?”

Now, I do not claim to be a matchmaker. People ask this a lot of me; do I have someone for them to date? The answer is usually, no. But if an opportunity is sitting right beside me, I can hardly help myself.

The young man I asked said, no, he had a girlfriend. But the other guy next to him looked at me and said, “Yes. Why not?”

A little example of how all of us can use a nudge once in awhile. He got up. Went over to the ladies and asked the blonde for her number. After the guys left, I said to her, “Isn’t that great? He asked for your number. What is your impression of him?”

Immediately without hesitation, she replied, “Well, he doesn’t have any tats (tattoos).” This young woman had body art, and she wanted a man with art, too. She was simply ‘throwing’ this guy away because he seemingly did not have tattoos. I looked at her and said, “How do you know he doesn’t have tattoos? Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them.’

This is an extreme example of something I see men and women do all the time; create barriers to partnership. She was judging him based on something she actually did not know to be true.

In Dating With A Purpose™, I noticed I tended to do this also. I created barriers to partnership by judging too quickly. When I met the Coach on a blind date, he listed off a background that was eerily similar to someone I dated from college and that he knew. In my head, I immediately classified the Coach as one of those “jocks” judging him based on insufficient knowledge. On our third date, I opened up to him saying I was afraid he was just like this other guy. The Coach listened and said in his quiet confident manner, “But I’m not like him at all. I moved out west and live a completely different life.”

He was right. He was entirely different. But because of the barriers to partnership I was creating, I almost missed learning this about him allowing him to speak instead of my fear speaking for him.

I know that I created barriers to partnership by judging men before getting all of the information. My ego found it so much easier to judge than to be open, vulnerable and accepting. In practicing the Dating With A Purpose Principles™, I kept an open mind. Before this, I know I passed on men because they weren’t tall enough (although I’m only 5’1’’), didn’t have enough hair, weren’t cute enough, funny enough, old enough, young enough. You fill in the ENOUGH blank. Enough already!

The key for me in Dating With A Purpose™ was being more conscious and open.

• What are the barriers to partnership that you are creating?
• How can you be more conscious and open?

Consider practicing opening up to your date and telling him or her your fear or worry. You might find as I did with the Coach, a person willing to meet those fears head on with you. Now that is creating partnership.

[Photo from Guillaume Brialon via Flickr]

Last Wednesday, I met my friend, Liz, for dinner at The Tavern at Lark Creek, the re-make of the Lark Creek Inn. As I drove into Larkspur with the windows down, I took in the smell. Pine and wood fires mixed in the air.

Sitting down across from Liz, I spewed out my latest wedding trial. The planner in Mexico has been giving me the run around. I came to the conclusion that she’s evasive on purpose so that I will just give-up on the details and succumb to her plan. She doesn’t know me very well. Now, it’s like a contest I feel I have to win. A battle of will through email. Liz got the brunt of my breakdown from the day. Poor thing. Emotions run so high and prickly around a wedding. Since I’d let all my emotions flow to the Coach, to a friend over lunch and almost on my wedding dress alterations lady, I was ready to talk about something else with Liz.

At my Ladies’ Weekend in Sonoma, a gaggle of women surrounded Liz with questions about dating. Was she dating? Who had she been seeing? How was she meeting men? Liz is in her early 40s, never been married and a real hot tamale. My friend who initially paired me with the Coach, jumped at the chance to set-up Liz. At our table in the Tavern I asked, “Have you heard from him yet?”

“No,” she said with a sigh. And there was another guy. Neither of them had called. “Why don’t they call?” she asked.

The answer to that; they simply aren’t ready. I’m glad they haven’t called if they’re not ready for Liz. How many times over the last 10 years have I questioned, “Why hasn’t he called?”

Who cares?!?!? Put the focus back on you. What can you do to bring dates and presumably love into your life? Principle #4: Are You Dating? Put Your Self Out There. Really Out There.

Our dinner came. We chatted more. Liz’s work was picking up. She had tons of irons in the fire, people calling her, and probably some offers she would turn down. And one employer said, “If you want, double dip. We can’t stop you.”

As I write this, I think, “What a great analogy for Liz’s dating life.” She’s got a few, weak irons in the fire, but she’s not being proactive about putting herself out there like she does for work.

When I decided to Date With A Purpose, I had a plan for getting dates. Simple. I put myself out there. Really out there.

In 2007, I met up with one of my mentors from a local ad agency in SF. We worked together for years. He was a great sounding board. Over drinks, he asked, “Travis, what are you up to?”

The first thing I said was not about work or finding work or doing work. I did not want work to become my identity. No. The first thing I said because it was my new priority was, “I’m dating.”

You should have seen the look on this man’s face. He wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t stop there, but explained in a positive, open way, “You know, I’ve put work as my first priority my whole career. Because of that, it has been my first priority. It left no room for a wonderful man to walk into my life. I’m creating room now for him.”

Anytime someone would ask, “How are you?” or “What are you up to?” The above answer was my go-to speech. The key I found was letting go of the striving energy or any sort of pushing. I simply stated a fact that was true for me.

It didn’t stop there. I put my money where my mouth was and invested in a dating service. When I tell people this they look shocked. “You?” they say, “A dating service?” I spent thousands of dollars for a high-end service. You know why?

IT’S HARD TO MEET NEW PEOPLE. IT’S HARD TO GET A DATE.

I know. After a certain age and having an established network of friends and colleagues, it’s hard to meet new people. You have to put your self out there. Get creative.

I’m not saying you need to invest in a service. This was the right thing for me. What I am suggesting is staying positive, allowing dating to be a priority, and really putting your self out there will change your dating energy. Opening up and leavingspace beside you means someone one will sit down.

You know my Manhattan hottie I wrote about last week? She left a message saying she was at Little Giant seeing some friends. (A real NYC culinary treat!) A man sat next to her, started a conversation and then asked her out. She said the excuses started to pop in her head, but she thought about my post last week. She ignored all of them and simply said, “Yes.”

Put Your Self Out There. DATE! If you’re not putting yourself out there, how will you be found?

Sign-up for Dating With A Purpose email updates.

[Photo from ser is snarkish via Flickr]

Psychology Today is one of my favorite reads. Leslie Blodgett, CEO of Bare Escentuals turned me on to it. A marketer’s dream, it showcases human behavior with the science to back up viewpoints. The articles tackle hard-to-understand subjects, making them digestible. This month when the magazine spilled out of my mailbox, I scanned the cover and saw, “5 Dating Shake-up’s for Singles.” I ran over to the couch and opened it immediately.

Today, I’m pulling some inspiration from this article and connecting it to my own experience and coaching. It’s the “#5 Dating Shake-up – Push Yourself Out of Your Patterns.” This section calls on daters to know themselves and their patterns, and do exactly the opposite in order to break the pattern, “You must continually make yourself do what doesn’t come naturally.”

I have a dear friend who although in her early 40s, refuses to date men who are 50.

“Why?” I often ask.

“Because they’re old,” she answers. “It doesn’t feel good.”

See the quote above. If it’s not coming naturally, maybe that’s a good thing.

On KFOG, I heard a survey of what “old” is. 14-year olds think 50 is old. The disc jockeys vacillated between 60 and 70 as the old age. The Coach and I were discussing this as we got ready this morning.

“What do you think Travis?” he asked.

“I was going to say 70, but I realize my dad is almost 70, and he doesn’t seem old to me. Maybe 80? Maybe 90?”

Would I want to date a 90 year old? Probably not, but it brought me back to my own pattern changer. Before I started Dating With A Purpose, I dated younger men. On average, they were running four years younger than me. My pattern changer was to date only older men. I was 37 when I started DWAP, so I told friends that my dating range would be 40-50. Why 50? Not sure, but probably because it felt a little uncomfortable to me. Maybe there was a part of me that was scared to date a 50-year-old because he’d be much more confident, more worldly, etc. It was pushing me out of my comfort zone. I was breaking a pattern. It turns out that the Coach is older. Not by much. 3 years. He was just turning 40 when we met.

Go to Dating With A Purpose to finish the article.

[Photo from irish-adam via Flickr]

This principle is near and dear to my heart. It’s coming up for me today as I read the list of my “Purpose Principles™” for the book proposal.

Early on as a young girl, I remember sitting in the back of my dad’s Cadillac. His friend in the front seat turned around to me in the back and asked, “Travis, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

It was 1976. I was 5. Without missing a beat, I answered, “President of the United States.” There it was. I wanted to be leader of the free world at 5.

I didn’t keep this vision clear through high school or college. I steered more to breaking the rules and “getting around things” than playing the straight and narrow. Didn’t seem like as much fun. What that statement shows is that I wanted to lead early on. Be the leader. Be in front.

Getting into the corporate world of selling clothes, marketing make-up, and creating advertising campaigns, I did not loose the thirst for being the front-runner until my last position. All of a sudden, I was faced with marketing a brand that was all about “living a balanced life,” but no one who I worked with did that. In fact, it was really the opposite. You were seen as an achiever if you could complain most about how much time you put into the job versus yourself, your family, your life. A crossroad of ideals. While I marketed outwardly to live a balanced life, I was flying all over the country only leaving room for work. At this crossroads, I saw a woman who was looking to loose her hard edge.

The hard edge had been dissipating since 2003 as I faced some of my own internal struggles and stood-up to some outward ones. See, for 33 years, I’d been striving to be the leader, not leaving space for anyone else.

What did this bring me in my relationships? The leadership position. Just as the law of attraction states, I got exactly what I wanted. I didn’t realize until I was firmly planted in that position that it wasn’t really the place I wanted to be. I needed to make a conscious attempt to not have all the ideas, not have all the answers and go with the flow where I could.

In Dating With A Purpose, this began to really pay-off. Men stepped up to the plate. They had the plan. The Coach came into the picture. I remember how he plans… not like me, having almost every nanosecond accounted for, but like a man who believes things always work out, a real faith.

He may know what band we’d see, or an idea about something to do, but there was always space for the unexpected. And I mean the goodness of the unexpected. He believes things work out for the best. And you know what, then they do.

Fast-forward to now, and the planning of our honeymoon and living together. My old tendencies are creeping back in. I keep saying outwardly that I don’t want to be the leader of everything, and yet I keep stepping in not leaving enough space for the Coach.

It is amazing to me how I’ll work so hard, be so conscious, and change a pattern. And how a year, two years go by and the pattern creeps back in. I think it’s the Universe’s way of testing me to make sure I’ve really gotten the lesson and changed my ways.

Purpose Principle #7 is not just a dating principle for me; it’s a life principle.

“I’m tired already. Let him lead,” I have to remind myself.

He probably won’t do it like I would (what ever “it” is). And his timeline will surely be different. “It” will always get done. Somehow when the Coach leads, it’s more fun, and there is always a surprise. If I’m always trying to lead, where is the room for the Coach? And the faith that everything works out?

[Photo from nathanborror via Flickr]

Sitting in an airport bar last week, I was surrounded by a group of colleagues all of varying relationship status. One, a pastor, and happily married. Another, a woman divorced now living with her boyfriend, and the other woman single and dating, or rather, trying to date. When it came through that our flights were delayed another hour, we somehow left the confines of chit chat and started getting into a relationship discussion – open, honest and for me at least, really fun. I can sit and talk relationship – mine, yours, anyone’s – for a whole afternoon. “Don’t get me started.” Or do if that’s what you want. This group did.

We rolled around topics like what is the most important thing that we did when we began to date? What was happening for us when we found the person we wanted to be with? The list kept going. One of the interesting themes that showed itself was the idea of space, giving it to yourself and making room for it in order to bring the right relationship forward.

One of my colleagues has a friend who after dating and breaking up with a guy, went back to him even though she knew he wasn’t right. Why? Her answer, “I don’t want to be dating. I really don’t like it. Isn’t it better to have this person with me than to be alone? I mean, the ‘right’ person will come along, right?”

Wrong.

Two of us agreed that for her friend, nothing was going to come along except the feeling of inadequacy and settling. “Do you want to settle?” My colleague asked of her friend.

“Well, yes, maybe. If it means not being alone and not having to date, sure.”

Really? Hold your horses here. One pattern I’ve seen over and over again is that people who find a great partner and build a good relationship afterword, is that they are OK being alone. There are two reasons for this:

1.    They love themselves. Being alone means being with one of their favorite people. (See X for loving yourself.)

2.    They know that in order to attract a new love, there must be space for her/him to fit.

For the friend, by staying with the man that she knows she’s settling for, she’s blocking space for another, great guy to come into her life. It’s as simple as that.

Another way of putting this that many before me have said is, “date yourself,” before you date someone else. Enjoy your own company because if you don’t, who will?

And the space issue. The friend spends her time with this “settling man” so that she’s not alone. This means spending nights in with him. Doing the things that they do. Which means there is no room for another man to come in. Where would she meet him? She wouldn’t because she is with the “settling man.” How would she recognize a new great guy? She wouldn’t because she’s with the “settling man.”

The “settling man” is tricky for ladies … (Read the rest of this article at Dating With A Purpose)

[Photo from rachel sian via Flickr]